Death Should Not Have Taken Thee
by Postquam est
Summary: I guess this could be called a crackfic. I just wrote it out of sheer boredom. It's based on the song of this story's namesake. I found the song funny, attempted to write it out, and failed at the funny-ness. Oh well. I uploaded it anyway. Read it if you want.


**Hi there. Don't take this story too seriously. It really doesn't have a plot. I wrote it because I was listening to the song, "Death Should Not Have Taken Thee" and wanted to take my mind off homework. So this came out. I'm not providing any refunds for minutes of life you spent reading this that you now can't get back. But hey, I do suggest looking up the song (especially since this story is pretty random if you haven't listened to the song/watched the PV). It's pretty funny.**

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A blond haired soldier slammed open the double doors to the king's throne room. He was out of breath and looked to be in a hurry. The ruler regarded him with a curious gaze.

"Your majesty!"

"What?"

"HELP!"

At this, the king tilted her head. "With what?"

"Th—the princess," the soldier panted, "she's been kidnapped!"

The king pursed her lips in thought and the soldier was slightly taken aback at the lack of urgency. "What about the hero?"

The soldier's shoulders drooped. "There…isn't one…" he said, confused.

"Hmm…" the king thought for a moment, then ran forward to the soldier. "Well, in that case, you're the hero now!" she said cheerfully.

"I—what?" The soldier stepped forward with a bewildered expression, letting the door close behind him.

"Here's some money," the king said, and the soldier looked down to see her placing a few coins in his hand. His eyelids drooped at the paltry amount. "Go unlock some treasure chests, take the contents, set off on your quest, find a group of helpers, and defeat the monsters!" she instructed, pumping her fist.

"You can't be serious," the soldier mumbled, still shocked that the king was taking this so lightly.

"Oh yeah, and if you have questions, ask the townspeople, got it? They'll probably have something to say. Defeat all those bosses good!" the king cheered, spinning the soldier around by the shoulders so that he face the door. "Knock 'em down!"

"Are you for real?" the soldier whispered to himself.

"Ah yes, of course, be proud, be proud, be proud," the king continued, not releasing her grip on the boy's shoulders. Having second thoughts about his departure, she spun him around to face her again. "Because you truly are the greatest!" the king urged.

Getting into it, the soldier nodded and assumed a determined expression. "I'll act on behalf of the people!" he agreed. A moment later he realized what he was saying. "But…geez…aren't you being a little pushy?"

The king spun the soldier around again and pushed him out the door. "Experience, experience, experience!" she called out behind him. "Pile it up!" With that, the doors shut and the king grinned in expectation. "Verily, I wait with bated breath for the day you defeat the last boss!"

When the soldier found himself outside the throne room, he turned around quickly to retort, but found his attempt futile. The doors were shut, and he had a mission to accomplish. "I'm just a soldier," he muttered, shaking his head before setting off.

The soldier collected the troops that would listen to him, and together with them, he headed for the town. He reached the town and sighed as he remembered the king's words. Knocking on the first door, he found himself face to face with a tall citizen.

"The princess is kidnapped, will you help me?" the soldier asked half-heartedly.

"Of course, I saw bandits rushing that way," he said, pointing east and shutting his door.

"That wasn't much help," the soldier said to himself. Hoping the other citizens would be more helpful, he knocked on the next door, which was opened by a petite lady.

"The princess is kidnapped, will you help me?" the soldier asked once again.

"The princess is kidnapped?" the lady began to shake with fear. "Ah, what a horrible thing! I must hide!" she cried, before shutting the door again. The soldier's shoulders sagged. He rubbed his forehead and motioned for the troops to move on.

Together, they headed east, though the constant attacks of random monsters provided some minor setbacks. Exhausted, the soldier finally reached another town.

"We'll ask here if anyone has seen where the princess might have gone," he announced to the troops.

"To restore peace to the world, to protect the peace of the land; do not forget why you fight, soldier!" A familiar voice called from the very back of the group of soldiers, and the individuals parted to reveal the king standing proudly at the back.

"Right," the soldier mumbled. "Why are you here?" he called.

"I shall tell you thy experience points," she called back. "You have enough to level up once!"

"That's it? Once?" the soldier replied angrily. "How am I supposed to confront the next boss with that?"

The king grinned. "Patriotism! Fight for the world, soldier!" With that, she left.

Before the soldier could even walk to the first house, a large monster appeared with its own horde of minions. Fear spread across the soldier's face as his troops began to be attacked from all sides.

"Your majesty!" he called desperately. "We're on the brink of destruction here!" he braced his sword against the enemies and fought desperately, but he found himself defeated at last. "I knew my levels wouldn't be enough," he mumbled as he anticipated the final blow.

Half an hour later, the king walked over to the fallen soldiers with a concerned expression. "Hmm…the party has been annihilated. Alas! Death should not have taken thee! I will give thee…a second chance!" With that, the king snapped her fingers and the scenery changed.

"Your majesty!" A blond haired soldier covered in bandages stood before the king in the throne room.

"Yes?" the king asked, tilting her head.

"This…this is ridiculous."

The king rushed forward from her throne and confronted the soldier, annoyed. "Whaaa? Even more shameful than thy death is thy SAAAASS!"

With that, the king pointed at the door, and the soldier trudged towards the exit.

"Hey," the king called, seeming to remember something. "This time, go for people of talent as well as those of strength! Of course my people possess both! With both, you shall certainly overcome."

"Are you an idiot?"

"Hey hey," the king began pushing the soldier out the door. "The people just need a boost of adaptability and cooperative personalities!"

The doors closed shut behind the soldier, and he once again moved forward. "Is this some kind of crap game?" he mumbled.

Later, the soldier found himself once again followed by the willing troops, trudging through the town.

"The princess is kidnapped, do you think you could help?" the soldier confronted a new citizen.

"I can give you this treasure chest," the person said, handing the soldier aforementioned chest.

The soldier stared at it with skepticism. He looked back up to see the door was already shut. Shrugging quickly, he opened the chest to find a small sum of money.

"20 experience points!" a familiar voice shouted. The soldier ignored it. "Only 1000 more to reach the next level," it added.

The soldier dropped the treasure chest and wheeled around on the source of the voice. Once again, his troops parted to reveal the king in the back. "Thy needs be more assertive, to earn more experience!" the king called.

The soldier sighed, and moved to the next door, knocking "assertively." The door opened and a small crowd of people stood in the doorway.

"The princess has been kidnapped, you must help," the soldier said, glancing behind himself.

"You've come to the right place, young man. We are a group of mages. We will use our magic to help you," the man in front said.

"People of talent, just like I said!" The soldier heard the king call.

With their newly acquired mages, the party marched onwards. The soldier hero could hear the king talking constantly in the back of the troops. Enemies came by and were defeated by the same magic spells over and over.

"This is boring!" the king called at one point.

"Too bad!" the soldier hero called back, fighting with all his might against an enemy monster.

"Too bad? Who do you think you are? Is this a rebellion?"

The soldier clenched his jaw and drew his sword back, allowing himself to take hit after hit until his second death.

"Really? Another chance?" the king observed the scene darkly before snapping her fingers once again.

~~~~  
"Your majesty!"

"What now?"

"I am no hero. Rather, majesty, I believe you are the hero!" the soldier said, gingerly touching a bruise on his arm.

The king opened her mouth to say something, but then assumed a more thoughtful expression.

"Ah, actually, that is a good idea," she finally said. "To restore peace to the world, and to protect the peace of the land, I will throw myself to the front line! I can already see my approval rating going up!"

Later, the soldier found himself trailing behind the enthusiastic king along with a band of troops and mages. "Is she doing this for money, do you think?" one of the soldiers asked the ex-hero.

The band abruptly halted as the first wave of enemies attacked. Soldiers fell left and right, and the ex-hero saw his king fighting in vain for a losing battle.

"Death should not take me!" she screamed, before rushing back and pushing the blond soldier forward.

"Hey!"

"Your majesty."

"No. Stop," the king said quickly. "Today, we will sit here in safety. The true hero must arrive sometime…we obviously cannot become heroes."


End file.
